Thank you

I am the delivery that every midwife dreads.

I called my midwife in the middle of the night, waking her up. I could hear it in her voice that she didn't want to go to the hospital that night, yet she didn't argue when I told her that I needed to go in. Then, she arrives to find out that the baby has no heartbeat. Not what she was hoping for that shift I am sure.

I know what a bad day at work is like for me. I have to put a smile on my face and help my clients the best I can. Even the ones that are pains in the butt. There are days that I dread going to work, and projects that make me wish I could turn around and crawl back into bed. I am sure that is what my midwife was feeling that night. If not worse. (after all, my bad days rarely involve my clients crying, or having to hold dead babies)

Yet, she made sure I was taken care of. She called in support for me and sat with me when I needed her there. She reassured me through Carter's delivery and made me feel safe.

On Wednesday, I have my 6 week postpartum appointment. And I have SO many questions. I am hoping that the placenta test results will be back, and am dreading that possibility at the same time.

Wednesday morning, my midwife will come in to work and see my name on her schedule. If it were me, I would want to turn around and go home. I know I won't be her most fun appointment all day. But I am confident that she will be there when I show up. And she will take all the time I need to get my questions answered.

I don't know how to thank her, or any of the other midwives that sat with me during my days in the hospital. How do I write thank you notes relating to my son's death? Yet I want to.

So many people have been a support to me (even when it wasn't easy) and I want to make sure they know how much I appreciate it. No one wants to go to a baby's funeral, but people came. I can't thank everyone enough - I was so scared that we would plan his funeral and no one would come.

My Monday afternoon will be spent trying to write thank you notes and letters to Livie (more on that later). I am going to get through as many thank-yous as I can, and call it good. My plan is to write to groups of people - my co-workers, Shawn's co-workers, etc. People will understand if they don't get an individual thank you note, right?