Please don't forget

Yesterday sucked.

The day started out ok - we got up and got ready to go have breakfast with Shawn's family.  Livie threw a massive fit on our way out the door, but other than that I was doing ok in the morning.  I survived through breakfast and then we headed home for some quiet time around the house, before dinner with my family in the evening.

I laid out the outfit that Carter was going to wear - a comfy brown and red fleece outfit that Liv and I had picked out together a couple weeks before Carter was born.  I'm not sure why I got it out, it just felt like the thing to do.  It is still laying on his changing table.

I had my tears and my wishing and my what ifs - looking over pictures and thinking about what could have been.  But I pulled myself together and got everyone ready for dinner.

On our way to my grandma's house, it felt like someone was missing.  Carter was supposed to be with us.  I thought for a moment about asking Shawn to turn around so we could go home and get him.  As weird as it sounds (carrying around your dead son's ashes) I really did want him with us.  Even though no one else would have understood, I still do kind of wish we had brought him with.

Livie was the star of the show at Thanksgiving dinner.  She had a couple birthday presents waiting for her which she opened with enthusiasm - some reindeer slippers from her cousin Hannah, and a baby doll stroller from Grandma and Papa.  Her antics kept people entertained all night.  Everyone was having fun. It was business as usual for Thanksgiving.  And that is the part that sucked.

People would bristle at the mention of Carter - "Olivia, what a pretty doll, where did you get it?" - "Carter gave it to me"  :silence:  Until someone would quickly change the subject.
(When I was pregnant, I bought a bitty baby doll and accessories that was supposed to be a present from Carter to Olivia when she came to meet him at the hospital.  Instead, she got it after his funeral.  She knows that he was in my belly when we bought the doll and that he helped pick it out for her.)

I tried to mention Carter once - and people quickly turned away and pretended like they didn't hear me.

It is no secret that Shawn and I had trouble coming up with boy names that we both loved.  In the end, we had a list of boy names that one of us loved.  I have written about how Livie chose the name Carter, but the other names on the list were Logan, Cooper and Sawyer.  For a long time, Livie had been campaigning for 'Cooper' and most of our family had heard her discuss it.

The only time yesterday that anyone even came close to acknowledging the fact that we have a son, was when my uncle pulled me aside to let me know "that a couple days before *it* happened" (exact words) he had gotten a dog and named it Cooper.  He was kind and genuine about what he was saying.  He hadn't known at the time that Cooper was a name we were considering, and he wanted to bring it up to us before we heard mention of his dog Cooper.  Of course he can call his dog whatever he wants, and I appreciate how thoughtful he was in pulling us aside.  But it breaks my heart that this conversation was the only one that came close to bringing Carter up.

I made it out of my grandma's house ok, but burst into tears the second that the door closed behind us on our way out.  Not only was Carter not with us - but no one remembered that he was supposed to be there.

There is no guidebook or rules about what to say or do when a baby dies.  And I am sure that everyone wants it handled differently.  So I am telling myself that our entire family didn't forget about Carter.  They just didn't know what to say.  That has to be it.  I have to let myself think that everyone else was missing his presence as much as I was.  And it was just easier to pretend like nothing had happened than to acknowledge his absence.

In the week between his birth and his funeral, everyone was sad with me.  There were plenty of tears to go around.  But now, everyone is back to their normal.  Thankful that it wasn't them or their child.

I am the only one that had the privilege of knowing Carter while he was alive.  So of course no one can possibly miss him as much as I do.  And no one can understand the hole in my heart.  But moving forward through life knowing that we are the only ones who will continue to mourn his absence is like a dagger in that hole.

I received several (much appreciated) messages from friends yesterday - you know who you are - thank you!  Carter even received a message reminding him how missed he was.

I just wish his family would have remembered him too.

Last night when I was tucking Olivia in, we said a bedtime prayer and at the end, asked baby Jesus to tell Carter how much we love and miss him and how much we wished he could have been with us today.  A couple minutes after we said amen, Livie told me - "He told him.  Baby Jesus told Carter, and he knows".   Oh how I hope that is true.