I don't know how many times a day those thoughts run through my mind.
When he was first born, my initial reaction was not to name him Carter. But Shawn echoed Livie's thoughts and chose the name Carter. And they made the right choice.
When I hear Olivia say Carter's name, my heart melts. His name is safe and loved in her mouth. She says his name with such care and love. Sometimes there is sadness in her voice, but it is always accompanied by a tenderness that only Livie could convey. Carter was her brother, and she loved him as much as we did. In the hospital, she was the proudest big sister. Time after time, she counted his fingers - 5 on each hand. And his toes - 5 on each foot. She marveled over every inch of him. His dark hair and tiny nose. Carter was her brother and she saw nothing but love for him.
Oh how I wish we could have brought him home. I wish I had more stories to tell about him. I try to relive every moment that we had with him. Carter and I - we had plans. Our first outing (just the two of us) was going to be to go get Shawn's birthday present. I already had it picked out, but I really wanted to be able to tell Shawn that his present was from his son, so I was waiting until he was born. Shawn's birthday is on Friday (which should be the day Carter turns one month) and I still haven't gotten his present. I am not sure I will be able to. I drove to the store, and burst into tears in the parking lot so I just went back home. I confessed to Shawn the other night that I am just not sure if I will be able to get his present this year.
I try to tell myself it is ok to be a miserable sobbing mess. I can't imagine a day when I don't feel like this. Right now, I need to savor every memory I have of Carter, and cry over every memory we won't get to make. Friends reassure me that it won't be like this forever. Someday I will be happy again.
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