Did I imagine it?

Mornings are the worst. 

I sleep soundly all night, but when I wake up, reality hits me like a ton of bricks.  Some mornings I wake up and remember immediately.  Other mornings I reach for my belly before realizing that I am not pregnant anymore.  The worst is when I wake up to the feeling of my milk letting down.  On more than one occasion I have woken up to a letdown and in my half-sleep state thought to myself, "oh, it is time to feed the baby".  The thought lasts only for a split second but the moment I remember is like reliving his passing all over again.

When I was pregnant with Livie I loved every painful second of the pregnancy.  As much as I wanted to meet her, I also wanted to savor every second of her inside of me.  My pregnancy with Carter was different.  There were times that I forgot I was pregnant.  He wasn't a particularly active baby, and I didn't find myself enjoying the pregnancy like I did with Livie.  I told myself that it was the stress of Shawn's medical issues, and I told myself it was 2nd child syndrome.  The truth is, that I never got as attached and bonded to the pregnancy.  And that is so painful to me now.

Some days I have to remind myself that I didn't imagine Carter.   It is as if I could have been pregnant 10 years ago.  From the moment that I realized the nurses couldn't find a heartbeat, I felt like I was having an out of body experience.  Was this all really happening to me?  Did it all actually happen?  I went through labor and delivery.  I fell in love with the sweetest little boy I have ever laid my eyes on.  I have milk in my freezer.  But no baby to show for it.  Walking through a store, I don't have a little bundle for people to ooh and aah over.  All I have is 25 extra pounds.  No one knows that I should have a baby in my arms.  It would be so easy for me to pretend it never happened - but I can't.   I can't forget about the hole in heart.

Someday I will run out of pictures to share.  But for now, I have my proof.  I didn't imagine him.  He was here, and very much loved.

There are times when I just keep thinking that the nightmare has to end.  The past year has been so hard on us that there is no way it can possibly be real.  Why has this all happened?  Shawn and I are 29 - what 29 year old couple should have to go through brain cancer, the loss of their son and a pulmonary embolism all in 5 months?  It is just unbelievable to me.