The saddest homecoming

Olivia has been excited to be a big sister from the moment we decided we were ready to try for a second baby. At target one day, (months before I was pregnant with Carter) I grabbed a bottle of prenatal vitamins and threw them in the cart. Livie's whole face lit up and she told me, "Those are for my baby brother!" I will never know where that came from, but she was quite correct.

From the moment I first saw two pink lines, Livie knew a baby was on the way. She sensed it, and we went with it. When we finally told daycare that we were expecting, all the teachers smiled at each other and confessed that Livie had been talking about the baby for weeks.

For my entire pregnancy, Livie oohed and aahed over the baby. She helped pick out baby gear and eagerly helped me rearrange her room to make space for her baby. The only moment of disappointment may have been when we first found out that the baby was a boy. We had the ultrasound technician write the gender on a piece of paper and we opened it as a family:

Her disappointment was short-lived as she jumped straight into helping me pick out blue clothes, blue blankets and as many boy-rattles as she could talk me into buying.

She would kiss my belly goodnight, sing "Hush little brother" and plan out her days as a big sister. She was most excited to push him in his baby swing, and watch over him in the car.

As we neared the baby's expected arrival, we discussed names as a family. The baby had been coined 'Logan' but we continued to toss around possible names. The night before he was born, I knew I was starting to go into labor. I asked Livie - "if the baby comes tonight, what should we name him" She didn't hesitate in answering "Carter".

You can read about Carter's entrance to the world here

Processing Carter's passing has been difficult for her. At almost three years old, she doesn't quite understand how Carter could be playing with baby Jesus at the same time as she cuddled his body at the hospital. Or how he could be playing with baby Jesus at the same time as she saw him at his funeral.

We didn't explain the concept of cremation to her. We simply told her that "the men" were going to put Carter's body in a special container so that we could bring him home. Last night on the way to the funeral home to pick up Carter, she had a lot of questions. She was clearly trying to understand how he could be in the container and with baby Jesus at the same time. She also didn't quite comprehend that he wasn't going to cry from the container, or sleep in his crib. Livie really, really wanted to feed him a bottle.

We picked up Carter's remains from the funeral home, and I managed to get in and out before bursting into tears on the sidewalk. Livie's reaction was quite simple - "The men turned Carter into a moon statue!"

I asked Shawn to place Carter in his carseat (which Olivia refuses to allow to be removed from the car) and we drove home.

It is good to have my son at home with us. I just wish he was a snuggly baby, not a container of ashes. Anytime Livie saw me cry last night, she would offer to go get Carter so I could snuggle him and in her mind, then I wouldn't miss him.

Being the terrific big sister that she is, Livie attempted to dress Carter's container in a hat and onesie. She kissed him and made sure she was comfortable. What an amazing big sister she is. I wish Carter could be here to soak up all the love she has to give.