The 18th

Shawn and I had our first date on May 18th 2005.  Shawn had his brain surgery on May 18th, 2011.  On May 18th 2012 I will get the test results for the clotting disorders they can't yet test for.  Carter was born on October 18th, 2011.  And now, here we are November 18th, 2011 - Shawn's 30th birthday, and the day that our son is supposed to be one month old.

Has it really been one month? An entire month without my baby?

I feel like I am coming out of the postpartum hormone haze.  But the saddness is left behind.  I should be showing off my new baby at lunches out with friends and choosing holiday outfits.   Instead I am dreading the upcoming holidays and parties.   I need to accept this but I don't know how.   This is my life. But going forward seems so wrong - how am I supposed to just move on like he was never here?   I ask myself that over and over again.  I have been doing a lot of reading on moms who have lost babies, and the stories include interviews of women in their 90's who still cry when talking about their babies that passed.  It is going to take a lot of time to adjust to life without Carter.

Such a bittersweet day - happy 18th to the men in my life

I love you always and forever, no matter what.