Before the service, Livie picked out some ballon bunches to have at Carter's funeral. After the funeral, we let Livie release one that said, "Love always and forever" and we brought the rest home. They have been sitting in his crib since then.
I cut one of the blue heart shape balloons from the bunch and grabbed a sharpie. I hadn't intended to write anything, but before I knew it I had written a short note to Carter. Signing the note "mom" brought on some feelings that I wasn't expecting. It made it feel official - I am his mom. It was heart-breaking and comforting at the same time.
I have talked about Carter to a number of people, but I haven't talked to him. Writing to him was a good thing.
I let the balloon go in our backyard and it didn't take long before it floated over the roofline. I ran to the front yard (which doesn't take long given our tiny house) and the balloon was nowhere to be seen. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and I know it had already cleared the trees - I should have been able to see the balloon floating forever. I know there is a perfectly logical explanation for where the balloon went, but I am just going to let myself think that it got snatched up into heaven so that my note could get to Carter.
"What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose" - Henry Ward Beecher
My heart just broke. I have not been on the Bump since we moved 2 months ago and last I knew, your ticker was moving along like it should be. I am beyond sad that you lost your son. You are an amazing mom and nothing like this should have happened to you. Please know you are in my prayers. -Jenuine from the Bump
ReplyDeleteI couldn't read your story , feel my heart ache for you and not tell you that I was here to read it. I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't know you but it seems unfair for anyone to go through this.
ReplyDeleteYour family will be in my thoughts and prayers.