Due Date

Today was/is Carter's due date. The day was a lot harder than I expected.

Livie was home with me for most of the day, and we just hung out and took it easy. Admittedly, I let her watch a lot more TV and play more computer than would be ideal. But I figure I have a good excuse.

The tears just wouldn't stop coming today. They have a mind of their own and are completely uncontrollable.

I just want to shout from the rooftops "I want my baby!!!". I miss him so, so, so much. Almost more than I can handle at times. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing that anyone can do for me. I am left with a big gaping hole in my heart that will never be filled. Losing a child is the absolute worst broken heart ever. No one should have to go through this.

I poured over the pictures that we have of Carter last night. I wanted to (and did) post one on Facebook today to honor him. And I had to pick just the right one. This is the one I eventually chose:

We are waiting for the rest of our shots from NILMDTS (Ginger took our pictures) but then that is it. It hit me last night that there will be no more pictures. We have what we have and there will never be more. No more chances. All I have left of my precious little boy are some pictures, footprints, snippets of hair and a box of ashes.

Before we left the hospital I tried to take in and memorize every inch of him. His dad's hands, his sister's baby toe and his long legs that he got from me. I smelled him over and over, trying to save his scent in my memory forever. But it wasn't long enough. It never would have been long enough. I don't have every inch memorized. I never got to see his eyes, and once he was dressed we never undressed him.

I asked the funeral home not to launder his clothes, in hopes that his scent would still be there. But it isn't. I have tried 100 times to smell his onesie but there is none of him on it. Just some make-up from their attempt to make him look ok for the viewing. (he did look fine, but he did not look like my sweet baby that I left at the hospital)

I don't know how to move forward from here. Everyone else's life is going on, but I am stuck. Stuck trying to come to terms with a life without my baby. I have a sweet, amazing daughter for whom I am so thankful. But I don't have my son and that is one broken heart that I'm not sure I will ever get over.