Tomorrow I will have a home day with Livie. This weekend brings birthday parties (not hers; shoot, I need to get on that...) and chores. On Monday Shawn has an MRI. Tuesday I go back to work. I won't work a full day, and I haven't yet decided when I will go in and when I will leave, but I will be there.
I am dreading Tuesday. I know that all eyes will be on me when I walk in. And I know that my co-workers will be in and out of my office all day. I have awesome co-workers, and it is not that I don't want to see or talk to them, it will just be exhausting. I know who will guard me, who will avoid me and who will ask questions that are way too personal. I am trying to come up with answers in my head to the questions that I know are coming. I will not make it through the day without tears.
More than I dread going back to work, I dread seeing my clients. For the most part, I have awesome clients too. Good and caring people, many of whom I have worked with for years. I asked that the partners notify my clients of Carter's passing. Did they? I am not sure. But every client I have to visit will be like that first day back at work all over again. I know who will cry with me, and who will not acknowledge what happened. I don't know what will be worse. After awhile, both are exhausting.
Today though, I will try to relax and prepare. I will try on my fat clothes and maybe go shopping. And I will write letters to Livie. (4th birthday, 5th birthday and 9th birthday are done on paper, and several others are written in my head)
Before I go, check out Carter's tree - growing like a weed!
