Several people encouraged me to contact the etsy seller that I ordered Carter's stocking from and let her know why I was so anxious to receive it. So, I sent her a link to my blog and she overnighted the stocking to me that day. I shouldn't have to make people feel badly in order to get them to do the right thing, but in this case, I don't feel the least bit guilty. We have Carter's stocking and Livie was so excited about it. Our family stockings look much more complete with four stockings instead of just three.
And then there are the pictures. The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep images arrived on Monday. I have been looking forward to and dreading their arrival since the day they were taken. Our photographer provided us with way more images than I ever dreamed she would. She was also kind enough to give me edited and unedited versions of everything. I am so, so grateful for the time she gave to our family.
Looking at the images is hard. In some of them, Carter looks just like a sleeping baby. In others, he looks very much dead. Those are the hardest to look at. His little body doesn't scrunch up the way a newborn's should. The thing that strikes me the most are his eyes. They are never open - not even a crack. Of course I knew that they wouldn't be. I never saw his eyes - so why would they be in the pictures? Why is it so surprising to me that they aren't open? I don't forget the pain of his absence, not even for a second, so why do I catch myself thinking that "maybe something has changed?" Nothing is going to change. He isn't coming back.
It reminds me of being in the hospital, and the nurses encouraging us to spend as much time with him as we wanted, and to do everything we wanted before leaving. After all, it was our only chance to do so. There wouldn't be do-overs. As they would list out things to think about - "Do you want to cut his hair?" - "Do you want to bathe him" - I kept thinking to myself, "Oh! I would like to try to nurse him!" Obviously that wouldn't be possible, but it is where my mind kept going. Like something was going to change since the last time I thought it.
Receiving the pictures feels as final as I expected it to. Nothing is going to change - this is my new reality.
I am probably going to keep many more of the NILMDTS images private than I expected to. At least for now. But here is one that seems to fit how I am feeling. Not the most flattering, but it portrays exactly what I was feeling then and now.
Tomorrow I am spending the day with new clients and prospective clients. Tonight I am feeling exceptionally broken. Looking through the pictures is a roller coaster of emotions, and I hope I can get off of the ride before tomorrow, or I am going to be looking at a very long day.
"I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought of you yesterday, and the days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a pictures in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part. God has you in His arms, I have you in my heart"
(I saw that on a friend's Facebook status today - one of those "post this as your status if..." I have a personal rule not to repost those annoying viral statuses, but this one hit too close to home not to share, so I brought it here instead)
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