My first day

I remember August 15, 2005 quite vividly.  It was my first day working at my firm.  I started the day sitting outside in my car for as long as I could, gathering myself for the day ahead of me.  It was a long day.  Sitting in my new cube, I remember looking around at the grey walls and asking myself, "Do I belong here?".   Wondering if I would ever fit in.  Walking to the break room, I would pass my new co-workers who walked around like they were in their home, chit-chatting with each other and joking around.  Everyone was comfortable there.  For me, it was a strange new place and I felt like I had a huge arrow above my head that pointed at me screaming "I am new" - I felt so out of place.

At some point, I stopped sneaking in the back door.  I would go in the front door so I could say good morning to the receptionist - turned out that she was pretty cool.  I found myself making friends. Good friends.  Before I knew it, the firm felt like home to me too.

Today though, today felt like August 15, 2005 all over again.  I stayed in my car for awhile this morning. I was tempted to go in through the back door (but I sucked it up and went in the front door).  I was uncomfortable all day.  The only difference was that the huge arrow above my head said, "Fragile".  People weren't sure what to say to me.  Those that I am close with stopped in to say hi, but weren't always sure what to say beyond that, and either was I.  The "new people" that started while I was gone seemed to know exactly who I was - they avoided eye contact at all costs.  Only one person acknowledged the reason I had been gone.  And I appreciate her for that so much.

Normally when someone comes back from maternity leave, we all go out to lunch and for those that haven't already heard the story, the new mom shares the story of her labor and delivery.  All those personal details that suddenly don't seem so personal after you become a mom and want to share your story with other moms.  We went out to lunch today, but no one asked about my labor or delivery with Carter.  I imagine people have questions, considering that our Caring Bridge page provided very few details about what exactly happened, but no one asked their questions.

We will see what tomorrow brings, but at least I survived today.