The saddest homecoming

Olivia has been excited to be a big sister from the moment we decided we were ready to try for a second baby. At target one day, (months before I was pregnant with Carter) I grabbed a bottle of prenatal vitamins and threw them in the cart. Livie's whole face lit up and she told me, "Those are for my baby brother!" I will never know where that came from, but she was quite correct.

From the moment I first saw two pink lines, Livie knew a baby was on the way. She sensed it, and we went with it. When we finally told daycare that we were expecting, all the teachers smiled at each other and confessed that Livie had been talking about the baby for weeks.

For my entire pregnancy, Livie oohed and aahed over the baby. She helped pick out baby gear and eagerly helped me rearrange her room to make space for her baby. The only moment of disappointment may have been when we first found out that the baby was a boy. We had the ultrasound technician write the gender on a piece of paper and we opened it as a family:

Her disappointment was short-lived as she jumped straight into helping me pick out blue clothes, blue blankets and as many boy-rattles as she could talk me into buying.

She would kiss my belly goodnight, sing "Hush little brother" and plan out her days as a big sister. She was most excited to push him in his baby swing, and watch over him in the car.

As we neared the baby's expected arrival, we discussed names as a family. The baby had been coined 'Logan' but we continued to toss around possible names. The night before he was born, I knew I was starting to go into labor. I asked Livie - "if the baby comes tonight, what should we name him" She didn't hesitate in answering "Carter".

You can read about Carter's entrance to the world here

Processing Carter's passing has been difficult for her. At almost three years old, she doesn't quite understand how Carter could be playing with baby Jesus at the same time as she cuddled his body at the hospital. Or how he could be playing with baby Jesus at the same time as she saw him at his funeral.

We didn't explain the concept of cremation to her. We simply told her that "the men" were going to put Carter's body in a special container so that we could bring him home. Last night on the way to the funeral home to pick up Carter, she had a lot of questions. She was clearly trying to understand how he could be in the container and with baby Jesus at the same time. She also didn't quite comprehend that he wasn't going to cry from the container, or sleep in his crib. Livie really, really wanted to feed him a bottle.

We picked up Carter's remains from the funeral home, and I managed to get in and out before bursting into tears on the sidewalk. Livie's reaction was quite simple - "The men turned Carter into a moon statue!"

I asked Shawn to place Carter in his carseat (which Olivia refuses to allow to be removed from the car) and we drove home.

It is good to have my son at home with us. I just wish he was a snuggly baby, not a container of ashes. Anytime Livie saw me cry last night, she would offer to go get Carter so I could snuggle him and in her mind, then I wouldn't miss him.

Being the terrific big sister that she is, Livie attempted to dress Carter's container in a hat and onesie. She kissed him and made sure she was comfortable. What an amazing big sister she is. I wish Carter could be here to soak up all the love she has to give.

Hello and Goodbye - Baby Carter's story

I will be honest in that I wrote and edited this in the weeks after Carter's birth, but it only seems fitting to publish it on the day that he was born. This blog is an attempt to process my life without Carter, so the first post might as well start at the beginning.

Carter Michael was stillborn at 5:40 am on 10/18/2011

In my heart of hearts, I know when he passed, but I am not sure if I will ever be able to articulate that.

The Friday before he was born, I was having lots of signs of impending labor - spotting, cramps, etc. Saturday morning came with some strong contractions, but they stopped and there were no signs of labor anytime soon all day Sunday and most of Monday.

By Monday afternoon, I knew something was starting to brew, but I couldn't say with any confidence that it was time. The cramping increased during dinner and by the time I tucked Livie into bed, I was fairly confident that we would be heading to the hospital sometime that night. In true nesting fashion, I cleaned the bathroom and living room before settling on the couch to watch TV with Shawn.

Shawn and I were laughing as Carter moved his little butt around in my stomach. You could see and feel it moving from side to side. I wish I had taken a video.

Shawn and I headed to bed around 11:00. I was really uncomfortable at this point, but didn't think that it was quite time, so I was hoping to get some sleep in. I woke up at 1:00 feeling like I was having a never ending contraction. I called the on-call midwife and told her that I needed to come in. My brother came over and DH and I headed to the hospital it was about 2:30ish (i think) when we got there.

As soon as I walked in the door, the nurses announced that I looked awful and rushed me to labor and delivery. It didn't take long for me to realize that something was wrong. The nurse tried forever to find a heartbeat, and was acting panicky as my room filled with more and more nurses. They wouldn't talk to me, but I knew that I hadn't heard that familiar heartbeat come out of the monitor yet. (at one point I heard a nurse call out a heartbeat of 140 and felt momentary relief - I later learned that was my heartbeat) When I saw the ultra-sound machine rolling in, I knew we were in trouble.

Looking at a perfectly still baby on the screen was heartbreaking. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. This stuff happens to other people - not me.

The placenta had separated from my uterus, cutting off blood and oxygen supply to the baby. Additionally, it had formed a cup shape and was holding all the blood that the abruption had caused. I am so thankful that the doctors were able to see this on the ultra sound, as it answered a lot of the questions that we would have otherwise had.

I broke down as soon as I realized what had happened, and begged for an epidural to take away the pain so I could sleep. The midwife agreed that I could rest for awhile, and said that as long as my vitals stayed strong, I could rest until 5:30.

At 5:20, I was fully dilated (was a 4 at arrival) and the nurses were encouraging me to deliver. Shawn and I took a couple of minutes to prepare ourselves, and then it was time to start pushing.

An epidural was a unique experience this time. It took away all contraction pain, but I could still easily move my legs and feel everything that was happening with my girl parts. The only pain difference between Carter's birth and Olivia's (med-free) birth was lack of contraction pain.

Carter was born after only a couple pushes. I felt everything, but without the contraction pain, I remember it all so clearly. My memory of his birth isn't clouded like Olivia's was. The room was dim and quiet as Carter came out and was placed on my chest. Even though I knew it wasn't going to happen, part of me kept waiting for him to cry.

I will never forget looking around the room and seeing all the nurses standing there with tears in their eyes.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to look down at him, but I am glad I did because it was love at first sight. He was perfect. Lots of similar features to Livie, and the same mole on his back that his dad has. I was expecting to have an hour or so with him, but the nurses told us we could keep him as long as we wanted.

Olivia came to the hospital to meet her brother. She helped pick out an outfit, and then she bathed him and dressed him with mom and dad. Liv chose a monkey outfit from Carter's diaper bag and from that moment forward he has been known as "monkey butt" (there is a monkey on the bottom)

Shawn and I spent the day talking and snuggling Carter, before calling Olivia back for dinner. We ate dinner as a family of four, and then allowed Olivia to read to Carter, play with him and sing to him. She tucked him in and kissed him goodnight.

After Livie left, Shawn and I said our good-byes and tucked him in again. We allowed him to be brought to the morgue for the night. I asked for something to sleep and fell asleep right away.

In the morning, I had Carter brought back to us and laid next to him for awhile. Shawn and I sang him some our family's favorite songs, and talked to him about all sorts of things.

Eventually, we asked the nurses to help us leave, because we could have never made the decision on our own. Shawn carried Carter back down to the morgue and wrapped him up and tucked him into the baby basket they have there. I couldn't handle the trip, so an amazing nurse sat with me.

Leaving the hospital without him was the hardest thing I have ever done.